7 PARENTING RULES WORTH BREAKING By Ellen Zionts • For the Courier-Post • March 29, 2014   My road to perfect parenting was paved with good intentions. In preparation for my first child, I read many books on the subject and myriad of pop culture articles, probably written by childless intellectuals. I wanted to learn the rules. Then I became a parent and broke almost every one of them. To my chagrin, I let my children eat Pop Tarts and Lucky Charms cereal for breakfast, which had enough sugar content to send them into a coma. And Pizza Den had my order at “Hello.’’ When my son was 4, I let him put spaghetti in the radiator covers, to get 20 minutes of peace. A mother at 25 and with no brothers or sisters, I didn’t know what to expect. Jimmy, as soon as he could walk, was in frenetic motion. At 3, he was either on his big wheel, re-enacting “Star Wars,” or scribbling pictures of Indians on the wall. Today, they would have put him on something, but back then, I thought that’s just the way little boys act. I let my daughter Suzie stay up and watch uncensored television, and dance around the den to Nine Inch Nails. I was no match for her, either. I rarely helped with their homework, because I got wrong answers to their algebra problems and was subsequently fired. My daughter tells me that the only thing I did right was to encourage their talents relentlessly. She claims that was enough to make them successful, in spite of me. I asked other South Jersey experts and parents what rules they felt were worth breaking: Rule No. 1: Do homework before you play Dr. Donna Wilcox, a family physician, medical spa owner and mother of 5 from Moorestown was asked what rule she breaks as a parent. “I always made my children do their homework as soon as they came home from school, because I believe that from infancy children need rules. What works for one kid does not for another. I had to learn to be flexible when it came to structure and rules as they were growing up. “Example: Rule was you had to do your homework as soon as you come home from school ... This worked great for the first three, but created havoc with the fourth. I spent so much time trying to get him to abide by the rule without thinking his brain was different and needed some down time after school. Being flexible, while maintaining rules, is a challenge but can be done!” Dr. James L. Hewitt , M.D. board certified child psychiatrist agrees. He said there are no rules that are black and white, only shades of grey. Hewitt has two adult children of his own, and years of experience working with 90-plus school districts in South Jersey. Hewitt, who lives in Moorestown and practices in Lawnside, said you have to work out the rules with your kids. Nagging children does not work. “If you don’t understand what makes your child tick, how do you influence them in a direction that will be good for them?” The most important thing he said is “Listen.” With regards to homework, Hewitt said the most important time for parents to be involved are third and fourth grade and seventh and eighth grade. These are the times when good study habits are formed. “By the time a child gets to ninth grade, they have chosen a path.” Rule No. 2: Be a friend to your child According to Dr. Hewitt, “Being a parent means living with the tension of being an adversary from time to time.” “I am not your friend,’’ Wilcox said. “It’s very hard to do as a parent, especially as they get older. But what I learned is (that) I am here to keep them safe and teach them how to become happy, healthy adults.’’   Michelle Kelly doesn’t consider herself a friend to her sons Hunter and Chase — she’s their mom. (Photo: Chris LaChall/Courier-Post) Michelle Kelly, who works in Cherry Hill as a part-time nail tech, said the same thing. She is mom to two boys, ages 4 and 13. She tells them all the time, “I am not your friend.” Kelly said she has seen the results of other peers that have teenagers who speak to them with disrespect. Kelly said, “I would never put up with that. If they misbehave, I take away their computer and cell phones, etc.’’ Rule No. 3: Just say noooo (softly) Janey Strouse, my daughter-in-law, took a parenting class, as a first -time, stay-at-home, mom at 34. They told her to softly whisper “Noooooooooo’’ instead of the loud, staccato NO!!! As her 14-month-old was trying to eat the label off her water bottle, she discovered the traditional “NO!!!’’ worked, while the soft “Noooo,’’ was a bust. ‘Nuff said. Rule No. 4: No co-ed sleepovers “Kids (as a rule) don’t have sex with parents in the house,’’ said Hewitt. Not every parent may agree with that gamble, but Hewitt advises that doors are left open, and teens know Mom and Dad can come in at any time. Hewitt knows what teens do. He has treated kindergarten through high school students most of his career. He was once hired by an area high school after a rash of teenage pregnancies in the district, he said. He not only started a group with the teens and kept them all in until graduation, he took those teens to speak to the seventh and eighth graders about what it was like to be pregnant in high school. Apparently, that did it. There was no more need for him in that capacity going forward. He said, smiling, “I did myself out of a job.’’ Rule No. 5: Do as I say, not as I do Arlene Feldman, who lives in Voorhees, is a retired Philadelphia High School teacher and substitute teacher at Cherry Hill East. She said her children do as she did. Children learn by example. You can’t tell them to behave a certain way, when you do not act that way. They imitate their parents, whether it be their digital habits, their eating habits or the way they do or don’t put an emphasis on exercise or housework. It doesn’t matter what parents tell them, Feldman said, actions speak louder than words. What Feldman considers the most important thing she instilled in her two boys was the way she spoke to them. “I always said please and thank you when they were little. Today, my grown sons have the best manners,’’ she said. Rule No. 6: Don’t encourage your child to run away from home Pat Egan Jones, Camden County surrogate, now the mother of two grown children and four grandchildren, once helped her 5-year-old pack his bags because she got so tired of him saying he wanted to run away. He stood outside the house for an hour with his suitcase packed and his favorite stuffed tiger. It was getting cold and dark so she finally said, “Get in here. We love you! Knock it off.’’ He came in reluctantly and told her if his tiger wasn’t so large, he would have at least made it to the corner. He never tried that trick again. “As far as parenting rules, I am never saying never again,’’ Jones said. Rule No. 7: Schedule lots of activities to limit screen time Hewitt opines that technology is two-dimensional. It does not teach children to use their imagination or creativity the way just giving them a box does. A box is tactile and they have to figure out what to do with it. Technology fosters “an avoidance of spontaneous play,” he said. To counteract the lure of the digital screen, many parents keep their children in constant after-school activities. This cuts into time with the family and needed social interaction at family dinners, Hewitt said. It’s important not just to set the timer on gaming devices, texting and social media, but to make time to just be together as a family in a meaningful way. Parents ask their kids, “How was your day?’’ Often, they have little idea of the stresses that today’s children face. Children cannot change their situation, Hewitt said. From school bullies, to expectations for grades, to peer pressure to be part of the gang, children can’t change their circumstances the way adults can and lack an adult’s coping skills. My one consolation for breaking the rules as a parent is that both of my children told me on separate occasions, “I always knew that I was loved.’’ And, in the final analysis, that is what matters more than any list of rules.